Insights...

So my life has basically fallen apart... I've pretty much lost everything that i had... but i'm still trying to figure out if the things i lost weren't replaced by better things... am i truly a better person through my series of unfortunate events? it's to be debated IMO. I know i haven't written anything in like a REALLY long time, but that's because i haven't felt that anything has been significant enough to write about. Not only that, but when i /do/ write something, it usually makes people worry about me. even if the slightest thing is off with any sentence i write and people fly off the handle. As of late, i have felt particularly uninspired as far as blogging goes. especially because everything i do is monitored and moderated to fit the conservative views of my family... who are, by the way, the ONLY PEOPLE WHO LOOK AT THIS BLOG!! It has pushed me so far as to that i almost feel like terminating this blog indefinitely. i am however undetermined under this state. i feel myself a stranger to everyone around me now. i don't know why and i have no desire to try to think of a reason why... in my current state, i feel sick.. mostly because of the monotony which i sense in my own life. I half-wonder if it is not from all the things i've been worrying about lately... a boy, whom i used to call my friend until he stated that he disliked me for no good reason, is cheating on my friend with her best friend. The best friend, who also used to be my friend but is now no longer due to certain circumstances, cheating on her quote-unquote "fiance" with her best friend's boyfriend... recovering from the estrangement of my last love, which--if you didn't hear by the way--ended horribly with mass ill will. I am moving on however; furthermore, there is no where to go from here but up i suppose.

Irony time. a few years back, there was a girl whom my ex dated who cheated on him with my best guy friend. now that my ex (who shall remain nameless, although i assume everyone who reads this knows who it is) and i are broken up, i have found myself falling for my best friend (he shall also remain nameless). Sorry did i say fall*ing*? i meant it past tense. Too bad he recently moved to Louisiana. :[ sigh. he's coming back to visit for halloween though. :] Half to visit me and half to reveal to his best friend that his so-called "fiance" is cheating on him... needless to say i highly doubt that the two will be "engaged" anymore after Halloween.



nothing is the same, but then everything is always different. it's always the same story just never what we expected it to be. There will always be those some people that you can never conquer. they will always win. they will always end up looking good by making you look bad. they will always make you feel small and defeated. they will make you look foolish and make you feel like you are a child. you are not physically strong enough to over take them. you own not the wit enough to out match their comebacks. You have not the emotional stability to talk to them calmly and smoothly with out losing it completely, nor the patience enough not to just burst into tears out of anger and frustration. It is these people that no matter what you do or say to them,. they will always end up looking better than you and making you look stupid. They will always feed on the weaker minded because they know that is the easiest prey. The weakest link is always the best target. One such person is the boy of whom i spoke earlier who is cheating on his girlfriend with his girlfriend's bestfriend. He is intent on trying to ruin everyone's lives it seems. He will admit his failings only to the man for which i've found i've fallen, but of course that man discusses this boy's faults with me often enough. In fact when i found out that the boy had self-diagnosed himself (and hit the nail square on the freaking head) i busted out laughing hysterically trying not to cry because i was so angry. Yes, that's right; it was actually insane laughter. I swear. I was so mad at him I was starting to go crazy, but then everyone in my family knows i'm ready for the nut house anyways so... no biggy. Thus, how i find things out that i wish i had never known. it drives me crazy knowing the things i know sometimes. i hate it that i stay uninvolved howsoever that i know it is for the best that i do so. Everything is so complicated. I'm just so ready to turn 18... I guess that's one of my problems too... i'm anxious to live my life... i have a hard time holding myself back from the things that i really want out of life... to be happy... to be in love... to do want i want... go where i want when i want...

and so we've come full circle... can't say any more cos i wouldn't want to upset the universe... after all... wouldn't want to spoil everyone's fun day... gotta be careful not to rock the boat and screw up everyone's perfect little blissfully ignorant lives right? ;D *sarcasm* sigh.

Go Hard or Go Home...

WHOOP WHOOP! So here's the dealio: the past 2 Fridays, I've been going to this thing called the garage. It's basically a Friday night youth group service... AND IT IS THE BOMB DIGGITY YO!!! I know I know; no one uses that phrase but seriously going to the garage is the best flippin thing that has EVER happened to me... Well... Besides getting my boy friend (of 7, nearly 8 months now^-^) that is. ;D heh heh... any ways... But yeah everytime I go I just get so FIRED UP for God. It makes me want to live a better Christian live, and walk a better path. Cos I know, I deffinatly had my share of faults lately. But I feel like I'm slowly coming back to the heart of me. I'm gettin (excuse my terminology) CRUNK FOR CHRIST and I just feel like I'm receiving power to do better in my faith and my walk with God. It makes me wanna try to be a better person. Cos today I went up in there started worshipping an I'm just like dang man. What am I doin? How can I be praisin Jesus and all this kinda stuff knowing even what I just did today. I was like, "God I dunno how and why you love me, but I'm sure glad you do." seriously I think of what Ive done in the past and such and I just don't even know who that person is. I dunno why or how get like I get sometimes but I'll just be like man that ain't me! That's just a demon that LOOKS like me. :P i mean really Though, I don't even wanna know myself cos I'm so messed up sometimes. Anyone who knows me well enough will know that I can be seriously screwed up if I wanna be. :X but it' s crazy cos God sees all that and still takes me just as I am, and I curse myself every day that I don't thank him for that, because my God is so great. It's so awesome and i think btwn garage and actual Wednesday night service I may just get back to God. :P