So, something strange happened when I was on Facebook today. I know I know I'm always talking about something that happened on Facebook, but trust me, I'm not a Facebook junkie. (yeah I'm in some serious denial. But anyways...) so Im just going along minding my own, when all of a sudden: I refresh the page... And everything's bigger!! Like the resolution or whatever is all loopy and I'm like, "what the crap? What's goin on here? What's this?" still haven't figured it out yet. :p oh well.

OwO

=o i just saw the bestest commercial EVAH!! okay so the acting was really bad and the quality was pretty crap, but really! lol. It wins lamest-advertisement-for-best-product award. ^-^ but seriously, i now know what i want for christmas... truly... other than just my normal books, video games and cd's and what not (which no one ever seems to get me anyways <.<**) Ladies and gentleman...
DUHDUNNA DUUUHHHHHNNNN!!! MR. COFFEE FRAPPECHINO MAKER! THAT'S RIGHT PEOPLE! MR. COFFEE HAS FINALLY COME TO HIS SENSES AND REALIZED WHAT WAS MISSING IN HIS LIFE!! MISS FRAPPECHINO!!!! Luscious, ice cold, smoothe frappe. ARUUUUUUUUGAAHHH!!!! lol. but seriously folks. i think pretty much everyone knows how much i LOOOOOOOVE frappes... and if you don't... well... consider yourself now informed. xD lol. FRAPPECHINOS ARE AH! MAY! ZING!

Yummmm...
♥_♥ *ish luv* dreamysigh. lol. i swear, if i wasn't so in love with my louisiana man, i'd TOTALLY make out with a frapp. haha. jk. well, that's all for now. LATER! :P

O: FALL BREAK FALL BREAK FALL BREAK!!!!!!

Today was a suprisingly good day. :D Sunday was pretty good considering i went to the mall with melissa. i guess yesterday is where i should start since the beginning of this week was...well... how it started. :p so anyways... i noticed my ex was working at the theatre that day, i so decided that i wanted some dippin dots, cos there's a dippin dots vending machine in the theatre. we went to sit on one of the benches inside the theatre lobby to eat it. so we were sitting there enjoying our icecream dots and he comes over to us. so we make small talk then he says he has to get back to work but that he told me that he and i need to talk. so the next day i call him and we get everything straightened out again. So we're friends now and we're talking. Obviously not going back out for a long long looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong time. But yeah, he's going back to cornerstone and stuff and he's getting his life sorted out. i wish this had all happened a lot sooner, but... you know... better late than never right? so, anyways... melissa spent the night monday night. we wrote some songs together. that was pretty cool. then she had to go to work in the morning. she works at sonic now. tuesday i went job hunting. which was pretty successful i must say. got applications from almost every place i went to. areopostale, soundshop, family christian store, rue 21, maggie moos, lifeway, and maurice's. so yeah that made me pretty happy. gotta fill 'em out tomorow and hand 'em in prolly saturday. but yeah, last night i went to church and then slept over at my other friend's house. that was... different. they had a stupid clock that would chime big ben every 15 minutes. drove me crazy. couldn't sleep for the noise and the uncomfortable couch we had to sleep on. but it was fun though. Lecia and i had fun chatting it up. then today we went to the thrift store and then to the mall. but not before i had a nice little arguement with scottye on leci's facebook. lol. OHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! i can't wait for senior week. it is going to be SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much fun. :D we get to dress up in all crazy costumes and what not! PLUS, that's the week that my best friend Harry is coming back to Oxford for a visit. ITSA GONNA BE A BLAST!!! *bounces up and down excitedly* Okay so Wednesday the 26th is the costume party at my youthgroup and he's gonna be there, and thursday is the game so he'll be there, and then saturday is the fall festival so us and a few other friends are gonna be there and then sunday i'd like to go to Dexter at my friend Lissy's church. but i think next week is the ACT. WHICH IM ACTUALLY NOT DREADING SO MUCH COS I GOTTA 26 ON THE LAST ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! which is exactly what i needed for my scholarship of choice to JSU. its basically a free ride. 16 hours per semester (that's all of them) and free books. WOOHOO!! i'm excited. and hopefully i'll be getting a job soon. A.) so i won't be so freaking bored all the time and B.) so i'll actually have some money to do stuff. so yeah... basically i'm pretty pumped. life is going pretty good right now. except for of course the occassional household skirmishes, but you know... no family is perfect. heh heh... so yeah... that's it pretty much for now...
oh... and i have to make a catapult... my parents want it to be creative... so we're making it in the shape of a cat. ::facepalmheaddesk::

Insights...

So my life has basically fallen apart... I've pretty much lost everything that i had... but i'm still trying to figure out if the things i lost weren't replaced by better things... am i truly a better person through my series of unfortunate events? it's to be debated IMO. I know i haven't written anything in like a REALLY long time, but that's because i haven't felt that anything has been significant enough to write about. Not only that, but when i /do/ write something, it usually makes people worry about me. even if the slightest thing is off with any sentence i write and people fly off the handle. As of late, i have felt particularly uninspired as far as blogging goes. especially because everything i do is monitored and moderated to fit the conservative views of my family... who are, by the way, the ONLY PEOPLE WHO LOOK AT THIS BLOG!! It has pushed me so far as to that i almost feel like terminating this blog indefinitely. i am however undetermined under this state. i feel myself a stranger to everyone around me now. i don't know why and i have no desire to try to think of a reason why... in my current state, i feel sick.. mostly because of the monotony which i sense in my own life. I half-wonder if it is not from all the things i've been worrying about lately... a boy, whom i used to call my friend until he stated that he disliked me for no good reason, is cheating on my friend with her best friend. The best friend, who also used to be my friend but is now no longer due to certain circumstances, cheating on her quote-unquote "fiance" with her best friend's boyfriend... recovering from the estrangement of my last love, which--if you didn't hear by the way--ended horribly with mass ill will. I am moving on however; furthermore, there is no where to go from here but up i suppose.

Irony time. a few years back, there was a girl whom my ex dated who cheated on him with my best guy friend. now that my ex (who shall remain nameless, although i assume everyone who reads this knows who it is) and i are broken up, i have found myself falling for my best friend (he shall also remain nameless). Sorry did i say fall*ing*? i meant it past tense. Too bad he recently moved to Louisiana. :[ sigh. he's coming back to visit for halloween though. :] Half to visit me and half to reveal to his best friend that his so-called "fiance" is cheating on him... needless to say i highly doubt that the two will be "engaged" anymore after Halloween.



nothing is the same, but then everything is always different. it's always the same story just never what we expected it to be. There will always be those some people that you can never conquer. they will always win. they will always end up looking good by making you look bad. they will always make you feel small and defeated. they will make you look foolish and make you feel like you are a child. you are not physically strong enough to over take them. you own not the wit enough to out match their comebacks. You have not the emotional stability to talk to them calmly and smoothly with out losing it completely, nor the patience enough not to just burst into tears out of anger and frustration. It is these people that no matter what you do or say to them,. they will always end up looking better than you and making you look stupid. They will always feed on the weaker minded because they know that is the easiest prey. The weakest link is always the best target. One such person is the boy of whom i spoke earlier who is cheating on his girlfriend with his girlfriend's bestfriend. He is intent on trying to ruin everyone's lives it seems. He will admit his failings only to the man for which i've found i've fallen, but of course that man discusses this boy's faults with me often enough. In fact when i found out that the boy had self-diagnosed himself (and hit the nail square on the freaking head) i busted out laughing hysterically trying not to cry because i was so angry. Yes, that's right; it was actually insane laughter. I swear. I was so mad at him I was starting to go crazy, but then everyone in my family knows i'm ready for the nut house anyways so... no biggy. Thus, how i find things out that i wish i had never known. it drives me crazy knowing the things i know sometimes. i hate it that i stay uninvolved howsoever that i know it is for the best that i do so. Everything is so complicated. I'm just so ready to turn 18... I guess that's one of my problems too... i'm anxious to live my life... i have a hard time holding myself back from the things that i really want out of life... to be happy... to be in love... to do want i want... go where i want when i want...

and so we've come full circle... can't say any more cos i wouldn't want to upset the universe... after all... wouldn't want to spoil everyone's fun day... gotta be careful not to rock the boat and screw up everyone's perfect little blissfully ignorant lives right? ;D *sarcasm* sigh.

Go Hard or Go Home...

WHOOP WHOOP! So here's the dealio: the past 2 Fridays, I've been going to this thing called the garage. It's basically a Friday night youth group service... AND IT IS THE BOMB DIGGITY YO!!! I know I know; no one uses that phrase but seriously going to the garage is the best flippin thing that has EVER happened to me... Well... Besides getting my boy friend (of 7, nearly 8 months now^-^) that is. ;D heh heh... any ways... But yeah everytime I go I just get so FIRED UP for God. It makes me want to live a better Christian live, and walk a better path. Cos I know, I deffinatly had my share of faults lately. But I feel like I'm slowly coming back to the heart of me. I'm gettin (excuse my terminology) CRUNK FOR CHRIST and I just feel like I'm receiving power to do better in my faith and my walk with God. It makes me wanna try to be a better person. Cos today I went up in there started worshipping an I'm just like dang man. What am I doin? How can I be praisin Jesus and all this kinda stuff knowing even what I just did today. I was like, "God I dunno how and why you love me, but I'm sure glad you do." seriously I think of what Ive done in the past and such and I just don't even know who that person is. I dunno why or how get like I get sometimes but I'll just be like man that ain't me! That's just a demon that LOOKS like me. :P i mean really Though, I don't even wanna know myself cos I'm so messed up sometimes. Anyone who knows me well enough will know that I can be seriously screwed up if I wanna be. :X but it' s crazy cos God sees all that and still takes me just as I am, and I curse myself every day that I don't thank him for that, because my God is so great. It's so awesome and i think btwn garage and actual Wednesday night service I may just get back to God. :P

I am a slave to the vainglorious fairy queen...

For those of you who don't know, i have a part in my school play this year. We are performing A Midsummer Night's Dream by Shakespeare. I am Mustardseed the fairy (if you have no clue what i'm talking about, google it). This means i serve the fairy queen in the play. ::facepalm:: Now for those of you who know me and read this blog (which to be sure is not many but regardless) there aren't many people that i don't get along with, but the fairy queen (who shall remain nameless because no one who reads this knows her anyways) and i don't particularly see eye to eye, if you catch my drift. She's a great actor, don't get me wrong, but she's vain as all get out and (some would argue) for good reason. She's a freaking double-D in the chest and about a size 0 waist. She weighs all of 90 pounds and probably half of that weight is her boobs alone. Which brings me to the beginning of my anecdote.

I don't know whether or not she did it on purpose or not, but it bugs me profusely. I know i shouldn't let it affect me, but she's conceited as all get out and i wouldn't be surprised if it WAS deliberate. Her royal highness got her costume today and apparently she's absolutely IN LOVE with it. I didn't see it but one of my three other fairy friends did. According to my friend who's a senior, [again i shall use the fairy name] Moth, it is quite, er... showy, to say the least... VERY revealing let's just say that. Titania, the royal fairy pain, tried it on in Mrs. Tyson's (the theatre teacher) fifth period class. My guy friend (who is a sophomore also in the play and is playing Bottom) is in that class the period and he... well... he can't really help but be attracted to her enticing bodice obviously. I roll my eyes at him, first off because he's just gotten the girl he's loved for several months now and secondly because, in the play Titania is under a spell to love Bottom, but in real life, the fairy queen absolutely cannot stand him. None of that matters. What does though, is that my boyfriend is in that theatre class, where the fairy queen was wagging her lovely cleavage around fifth period. Now normally I am not a jealous creature, but just that fact that it's HER... TICKS! ME! OFF! SO BAD!!! so bad!!!!! Her busty self in the same room as my boyfriend. No man can resist that temptress. She draws the male eye; it is instinct for them to look upon her with a lusty gleam in their eye, and a dirty thought on their mind. Men are consumed by aphrodisia. When they see her they are helplessly, hopelessly turned on. The thought of that... WOMAN in the same room as my boyfriend flashing her stuff around bothers me... BIG TIME... and so now... i wait for him to call me back. D: it's agonizingly painful this waiting... if he doesn't call me soon... oh i just don't know... i don't want to question his faithfulness but... oh me...

Where to begin...?

I dunno what it is, but a lot of stuff has got me down today. (3/30/09 Monday) It may just be Monday blues, but i've noticed it happening quite often lately... it's like when i'm in a low, i'm in the deepest darkest pits of despair and when i'm high, i'm never coming down. there's no easy medium, no in between... not to mention a spell of depression over the fact that i lost my freakin purple notebook in which i usually write my daily dose of poetry... :(  oh... crap... i know what it is... DANGGIT DANGGIT DANGGIT!!! UUGGGHHHHHH!!! stupid PMS... <_<** ANYWAYYS!!!!

Prom was great. go to my mom's blog if you wanna see the awesome pictures. i'm not vain so i don't usually say stuff like this, but i looked sssssssssssssssssssssooooooooooooooooooooooooo beautiful in those pictures... even WITH my braces makin me all goofy looking. :P oh well... Justin and I had a good time but some friends of mine that we went with didn't have so much luck. Their car kept breaking down, and by the end of the night one of my best guy friends was absolutely crushed. This morning he came to school all depressed and it only added to my moodiness. :/ 

a lot of times when i think about justin's and my relationship, i get really sad and confused. i mean we've promised a lot to each other and i just think... how could either him or I break those promises? i mean their not sacred vows or anything, but how does anyone break such big promises... i dunno, i just don't want to think about it anymore... i don't wanna doubt and i don't wanna think, cos when i think i think too much and when i think too much i get a headache. it's just really... hard... and as time goes on i'm noticing more and more things that... just... make me really think and really... wonder... whether Justin and I are a practical match? I guess only time will tell, but i really want us to work out... because i hate doubting... if Justin ever knew how much i doubted, he would be absolutely crushed. I really don't want to lose the best thing in my life since Jesus... but it's in God's hands, i've let go and so i'm not in control anymore... so who am i to say what's what... maybe I DON'T know what i really want... maybe... maybe I'm just dilusional... but i pray that everything will work out the way it's supposed to with as little pain as possible... 

What am i doing here?

so i'm sitting there taking crap from my parents

just listening trying not to glare but at the same time

trying not to roll my eyes knowing that they'll just yell more

"put that attitude away young lady; don't use that tone with me

that's such an ugly look; don't you dare look at me like that

don't talk back; don't interrupt; don't be rude; hold your tongue"

on and on; i don't care what they say doesn't matter anyways

its all the same, always always always repeating lines

that they think i need to hear but they don't know

i am just so sick of listening to them babble endlessly

i do what they say and it still doesn't seem like enough

they try to tell me that i need to talk to them more

but then when i try to explain the best i can

they still don't understand me and they always

always always always get it so incredibly wrong

its not even funny; i'm so tired of everything

sometimes i wonder if its even worth trying at all

i have the incentive to give up and give in

i have a good mind to throw it all away

after all what is it worth? my relationship,

my friendships, my family, church...

can i really do this? can i ditch everyone?

can i give it all up? all for God?

or will i always just stay where i am?

stuck in a rut? stuck in hole. stuck...

stuck in this vicious cycle, stuck...

stuck in this endless circle, stuck in the mud, stuck...

just so stuck, so stuck tight and can't get out, can't go anywhere...

trapped, they just don't understand, they don't...

they can't see who i really am, who i really can be...

my lungs literally ache for oxygen, for air, i crave it...

i need it like love to survive oh i'm losing it i'm falling...